christmas was amazing.  awesome party with ALL my friends, and everyone talked about how skinny i was.  my mom surprised me when we got back to LA and visited, that was awesome but I gained abit.  she's one of the only people that can make me feel normal about myself and food again.  plus i feel so guilty not eating around her cause she can see right through me.

so, there've been some ups and downs, but now is down.... literally.  This AM i was 117.4- my lowestever!  I've been going between 118-120 for about 2 weeks, and i'm afraid i blew it today and will be back in the 20s again tomorrow. Fuck cravings. the past couple of weeks i haven't eaten hardly anything other than pinkberry, apples and oranges.  a few raisins for snacks, sometimes, and popcorn one day, but the carbs from that made me so bloated and pissed. anyway, keeping in mind how good i've been lately so i don't freak, here's intake for today:

med. pinkberry swirl- 260
2 apples- fruit doesn'tcount in my book, esp. apples
1 buttermilk spice muffin from mimi's (THAT was the craving...FUCK)- 500
2 mini-english muffin pizzas- 360
1 pc. chocolate- 40
12 raisins- 40

oh fuck it all.... 1200 for today.  shit.  how did THAT happen???  well.  today was pretty stressful- we found out we're maybe getting sued from a patient who hurt himself golfing and is trying to blame it on us, and it's 1099 time, so i have to get all those ready, and we're soooo behind on billing but other stuff keeps coming up that has to get done.  also, I've been having less than 300 clas almost every day for the past 2 weeks.  but that number is still sooo HUGE.... fuck.  oh well, i'll be better.

i have started noticing some symptoms:
low blood pressure (usually around 100/70)
vision disturbances
i'm almost ALWAYS dizzy when i stand up
HORRIBLE fucking ketosis breath.... eww it stinks

i just don't want to get osteoperosis and break my hip and die some lame way.  sooo i bought chewable kids vitamins and chewable caliums at CVS today.  0 cals, lots of vitamins, and it's almost just like candy!  great!  I also got ketosis strips that you pee on.  Did one after eatingpinkberry and i was still around 20... which is considered a "small" amount, but still anything over 0 is abnormal.

my size 26 seven jeans are too big on me now, i left my awesome citizens in TN but my bff is mailing them back.   Also my size 2 editors are getting pretty loose.  i still don't look good in the 26 juicy jeans... i'm thinking that'll be around 110 lbs.  my bmi is now 17.8.  next goal- 111, at which i'll have a BMI of 16.9.

BEST THINSPO EVER- 90210 (new, obviously). jessica stroup is sooo beautifully thin.... i would give ANYTHING for those thin arms.  also, i'd like a flatter chest.  I'mstill a D-cup. what the fuck is up with that.

So, how have yall been???  i missed you all.  quick q- what BMI did your period stop?  i'm so ready for that.  love to all and stay strong skinnies!! <3<3<3

 at least, i feel like i'm dead when i way as much as i did.  i've been bad lately.  but i've fasted the past 2 days, and am back to 122.  i'm fasting at LEAST for today, i'll probably break my fast tomorrow nite before i get on the airplane to go back east.  i'm going to my college's graduation to see all my friends graduate and i'm super excited!!  probably most excited because of how much skinnier i am.... already 25-30 lbs than in college, depending on what year.  I really want to hit 115 before going to my in-laws (Sunday) but i'll be satisfied with 117.  shit, i'll be satisfied with 119, I just think i can do better.

i don't feel gross from the fast, but i am pretty weak and tired.  also our book is pretty slow for today, so i should call some people to come in, but i just feel pretty apathetic b/c of the fast.  at least my IBS isn't acting up like it does when i binge on crap and simple carbs.  that's my excuse to people- it hurts when (or after) i eat!  lame, i know.  oh well.

i have this fear in the back of my head that i'll binge..... which is stupid to be afraid of something that you completely control.... i'm just afraid that this rational, fasting part of my brain will lose control to the impulsive, weak, desirous side of my brain that would gorge on taco bell and burger king.   ewww.  i need to get some reverse thinspo to make food turn my stomach. later loves, stay strong and sorry i was MIA for so long!! <3<3